Umbrellas: A Serious Threat to Humanity

Kunming, being situated where it happens to be situate on this lovely little globe, is subject to the monsoon climate. This means that the wonderful weather of late winter and spring which gives Kunming its title as the "Spring City" vanishes with the arrival of May. From May on out well into summer, the weather in Kunming turns unpredictable, leaving few days without at least the threat of rain. The sun goes off on quick, unannounced leaves of absence and the residents start walking faster than normal to dodge the big raindrops. I would have said this caused everyone to whip out their umbrellas, but the truth of the matter is, they already have them out. I have known few people so attached to shelter. When it is sunny, they carry their umbrellas to avoid a burn or even a light bit of color in the face; when it is raining they bring them along to avoid the moisture, and for all the times in between, they keep them out just for consistency's sake. Kunming's populace is very attached to its umbrellas, and if any one of youu happens to be an umbrella salesman or manufacturer, I might suggest you move to Yunnan to make your fortune. Of course there might be a small hitch in all your dreams of riches: everyone in Kunming already has an umbrella, sometimes two or three.
But I didn't bring up Kunming's weather so I could talk about how many umbrellas everyone has; my main point was to draw attention to the great threat all these umbrellas pose to my life. See, the Chinese are not generally a tall group of individuals, actually I'd say they are shorter than not (and I'm short myself). And when these short people go walking around in great big crowds with their umbrellas it is no doubt some one will get their eye poked out. The Chinese do not even need Red Ryder beebee guns to de-eye themselves. As you walk along the crowded sidewalks, and every sidewalk is crowded in China, you have to dodge right and left to avoid the sharp little metal points on the edges of the umbrellas. If you have never taken the time to think about it, you will be surprised to learn that umbrellas are expressly designed to pose an ocular threat to the human race. The metal wires which are the umbrella's skeleton also happen to have just enough metal sticking out past the cloth to give your eye a good, sharp gouge. My personal feeling is that umbrellas are not a human invention at all, but a product of malicious green aliens from Mars who have eyes out their butts and so are not threatened by these new weapons. I caution everyone to think twice before purchasing an umbrella and contributing to the dominance of a race of little green Martians with eyes in their butts.
Can you imagine these new weapons in the hands of short people who want to get out of the rain? The way the population wields its umbrellas, swinging them around as if they were little harmless daisies, I am not surprised Kunming no less than five eye hospitals. Perhaps you have seen a certain film entitled Singing in the Rain? I have evidence that points out this is actually a piece of propaganda by the butt-eyed Martians to encourage wanton and careless handling of these dangerous weapons.
To date, I myself have managed to avoid any damage only by constant vigilance and having the reflexes of a cat. I encourage all of you to do away with your umbrellas before the Martians take us all over.