Mangoes

The fruit scene, unlike the night scene in Kunming, is amazing. Perhaps it is because we are sitting here "South of the Clouds" (Sichaun) and close to the tropical jungles of southeastern Asia, perhaps because the farmers in this vicinity beat the pants off American farmers, perhaps for a million other reasons the fruit I have beat stuffing in my face lately is of no ordinary quality.
Right now happens to be mango season, which fruit is the closest I have ever come to paradise in the form of food. I've been trying not to over do it though, you know, wouldn't want to make a pig out of myself or anything like that. I restricted myself to no more than four Mangoes in any one day, unless extenuating circumstances arise.
But you don't want to hear about my issues with mango addiction and the many serious problems which arise from this, the least of which is a tendency to make armed hold ups at all the local fruit stands, instead I know that the informed reader wishes to be taught by an expert how to go about consuming one of these heavenly fruits. No worries, an extensive discourse on this topic is about to slap you in the face.
There are many techniques for eating a mango. This is most likely because the mango has been the favorite fruit of monks throughout all those regions where one finds mangoes. Monks having large quantities of time on their hands devoted much of this to the research and discovery of the perfect mango-eating technique. Unfortunately this is still a work in progress, having not yet reached Nirvana, so we will have to lay before you the most likely candidates. In addition to this I would also like to include my own personal technique which I feel may yet be the truest form of eating mangoes.

1. The Aboriginal Technique. Perhaps the most simple and crude of all the ways to eat a mango, many would also contend that this is the most elegant because of its very simplicity. Essential the person desirous of eating a mango takes hold of said mango with his right hand, his or her thumb being placed towards the stem of the fruit and the other fingers fanned out behind it accordingly as seems most natural. At this point the eater moves the mango in his or her hand close to the mouth and takes a bite. The biggest problem I have found with this technique is that the skin of a mango is not at all delicate, being more like leather, and does not surrender it's delicious insides easily. Besides which the skin of a mango does not taste good at all, very bitter. The proponents of the Aboriginal Technique claim that this bitterness lends itself to the overall experience creating a greater sense of enjoyment when the eater finally comes to the fruit itself. I find this to be total bull.

2 . The Flower Technique. Very popular in restaurants right now, this method is bar far the most aesthetically pleasing, but not easy to consume. In order to eat a mango in this manner it is essential for the eater to spend quite some time in preparation. First the eater takes the mango and cuts it lengthwise above the pit. This leaving the mango more or less in halves, the eater then cuts below the pit in the same manner. Now the eater has two pieces of mango ready to be converted into miniature works of art, and one which is to be sucked on until the pit is left clean. Taking the two pieces then, one makes a series of slices in them creating a checkerboard pattern. Once completed, the eater can push from the bottom of these pieces up, turning them inside out as it were and leaving you with a wonderful culinary creation; the cubical pieces of mango stand out from the skin like so many large spikes on a porcupine. I find this technique to be a great waste of time however which also wastes quite a bit of the mango which could be otherwise consumed.

3. The Pulp Method. Less prestigious than its counterparts, this technique is the cleanest way to eat a mango which I have yet found. One simply applies firm but not over-oppressive pressure to the outside of the mango turning it into a shapeless bag of goop. Once the eater thinks it is liquefied enough on the inside, he or she makes a small slit on the end opposite the stem and drinks the mango out of its skin like water out of a water-bottle. The hardest part of this process is not breaking the skin before it is ready to be consumed.

4. The Phil Approach. As you might have guessed my method is especially good because it involves knives. It is a simple process and not difficult even for those who have never even held a knife. The knife-wielder simply attacks the mango with the same sort of fervor a wild barbarian from the Siberian step would have attacked a fat Roman senator. Chop it to bits, slice it to shreds, consume most of it during the process. Easy, convenient, and clean.

I'm sure there are other ways to eat a mango, but none of them are as good as these laid out before you. So, next time you get your hands on a mango, take the time to peruse these directions and tell me which method you go with.