Almost a Movie Star

There are many experiences which creep up behind one who is in a foreign country, and often these experiences like to give you a good strong whack on the back of your head. However, there are also times when you see something shiny on the ground and reach down to pick it up while the experience goes flying off over your head without you ever knowing how close you came.
This has been the method of my experience with becoming a Chinese movie star. I had, before arriving in China, contemplated using that beautiful asset of mine: my luscious hair--not my words. The Chinese, though many of you may find this difficult to believe, have been starved of almost all exposure to my amazing "do". This being the deplorable state of affairs in China, I had imagined that it might be advantageous to grace as many souls as possible with my presence--even if this be on the silver screen. Indeed I became convinced that this was my duty.
Therefore it did not come as a surprise to me, when a young woman in one of the cafes which I frequent came up to me and asked me to star in the next Chinese blockbuster. Of course she was far too coy to phrase the question in such a blunt manner, instead she asked me if I knew any others foreigners who wanted to be in a movie. Being the savvy person I am, I immediately saw through her politeness, for what she really wanted was: to get this amazing 头发 (toufa, which means hair in Chinese) on the screen. I graciously inclined and said I would love to star in her movie.
Apparently this young woman was struck dumb by the power of the hair; it was some time before she responded--she feigned like she was laughing at something in order to cover her exuberance. However she said should would love to have me in the movie. But this is where I began to doubt the veracity of her project, I began to doubt if she was even Chinese. In repyling, she used the Chinese word for extra rather than the word for star which she clearly intended. Language differences are very frustrating.
She gave me her card and asked me to conscript some other foreigners who I assumed she needed to play supporting to me. The young woman (Jasmine by name) apparently was rather more skittish than not, for she seemed offended when I started calling her with ideas for the script--true, I had not yet had a chance to cast my eyes on this document, but I nonetheless know the essentials which every movie must have: large explosions with lettered noises like in the old batman show, swords, a villain who has his face burned off by acid (lava is also acceptable), and of course a healthy dose of ninjas. Particularly special among my suggestions where the idea that she should have a scene of me flying through the sky fighting with large pterodactyls. However, as I have said, Jasmine is a skittish girl. She actually began to express disapproval at my many suggestions (mostly this was when I called her in the wee hours of the night with a particularly brilliant thought like the pterodactyls or fiber-optic cameras in my hair). I suppose this was just jealousy. But after all Jasmine, we cannot all have beautiful, wavy locks of manly hair.
But as they say Hell has a furious lot of women in it (or something like that) so apparently Jasmine feels some kinship with those lost females--she changed her phone number. With that small fizzle in the air of the electronic world, all of China lost what might have been one of its best chances for enlightenment. Confucius was lucky, he had not the 头发 of an American.
Some good though has come out of all this loss: I discovered China's healthy illegal DVD market. This should certainly be listed as one of the great wonders of the world. For something less than a dollar I can buy movies which have not yet come out in the theaters back home, or are just arriving. It was this discover which brought me safely through the last weekend's sickness, although I do not think I shall be watching any movies for a while. Between Jasmine's abandonment of me and the twenty odd films that stood by me through the gastrointestinally troubled nights of this last weekend, I am a trifle soured on the glitz and glamor of the film industry.
In a brief bit of news, I shall be depriving even you, the faithful American public, of my presence for the next week. I go on matter of the gravest import to crawl about among the high mountain passes of the Himalaya. If I am not eaten by rabid dogs, you will all hear from me again for sooner than you wish.
Phil.