My Holy War with the Kunming Bus System

The Kunming bus system is the best bus system I have ever seen. While this is not making an extensive claim since I have not experienced too many mass transportation networks, it's still worth the words it takes to mention. Usually, using the buses I can make it to most anywhere I want within the confines of Kunming. And to tell the truth, it sounds like buses work like this throughout China, only I've been told taking a bus from Kunming to say Beijing is not a healthy activity--more than a week or two on a bus is good for no portion of your body, especially your buttocks. However if you manage to restrict your bus excursions to local places, your hind end shouldn't fall off or morph into any strange shapes.
But back to the city buses. As much as I love these, they aren't always the picture of modernization one would desire. For instance, I have had the privilege of riding the No. 1 bus. Unfortunately I made the foolish guess that the No. 1 bus would be something special because it was No. 1, afterall I'm no longer that young and "First the worst, second the best, third the nerd in the polka-dot dress" no longer applies. So No. 1 should be plenty nice. This was not the case. No. 1 bus apparently had been so named because it was the first bus the city of Kunming acquired (my guess is sometime back in the 18th century). This bus, while heavily used, did not exactly possess the power one might desire. Especially at those moments when we were attempting to go uphill, I felt that the bus's engine was something intended for use on a moped rather than a large bus. However, the bus did not break down, although it did exhale large amounts of black smoke and cough up some apparently unnecessary parts of its motor. So I guess I should not chastise it too harshly.
On the buses in Kunming they have an interesting tradition of exiting only through the back door. This may be the case with buses elsewhere, but again, I wouldn't know. The problem, as I see it though, with this exit-through-the-back system is that if the bus happens to be crowded (and it is a law of China that EVERYTHING is ALWAYS crowded) you will be hard pressed to get off at your stop before the driving decides to keep on going. I have learned though to emulate the locals in their solution to this problem; rudely push your way through the mass of bodies until somebody falls down and starts screaming, and then in the confusion, make a get-away out the front door (forbidden as that may be). This process almost always works, unless of course the driver is particularly savvy and decides to shut the door on you as you make your escape. I almost lost my backpack in this manner, but after a brutal pushing battle with the bus's doors, I emerged the victor. So courageous was this particular exploit, I believe I accrued no small amount of fame among the bus-riding culture. You may refer to me in the future as Phil Vanquisher of the Bus.
But even the Vanquisher of Buses finds there are things in this world which still can humble him. For I have recently been dealt a crushing defeat by the buses of Kunming, perhaps it was revenge, who knows? This most recent event had the elements of the mystical about it though, so I do not feel too bad about myself in my loss. I recently tried to ride a certain No. 5 bus in order to get to a climbing gym in Kunming. The directions on the gym's website said take No. 5 bus to such and such a stop and you will be in front of our doors, or something like that. The No. 5 bus however apparently only exists for very specific portions of reality. If that sounds somewhat metaphysical, it is meant to be. The thing is, the No. 5 bus is not purely real, it exists for about half the time and the rest of the time it tends to teleport, time travel and otherwise behave contrary to the laws of nature.
I discovered all this on my first attempt to ride the No. 5 bus. Generally riding a given bus is as easy as going down to the local bus stop and waiting for a bit. Sometimes this is complicated if the bus does not service that stop, but even then it's nothing more than a hop, skip and a jump to the next bus stop which it does service. Boarding the No. 5 bus takes a good deal more than this. What you must do first is make sure that you are right with your Maker. Next you have to guess at random which bus stop you shall first try. If you attempt to use any sort of logic or reasoning to figure out where the No. 5 bus might be, you will inevitably fail. Finally, you charge off like a crusading knight catch the bus at some point in mid-flight. I say this because it apparently is a part of the No. 5 bus's mystical nature that it does not actually stop at bus stops. Such a thing would be beneath the intensely magical spirit of this bus. Finally, if you are favored by fate that day, you find that the No. 5 bus will speed up and leave you in its tracks. I call this favored by fate, for it never fails that whatever bus is immediately behind the No. 5 bus will take you to exactly where you want to go.
If you don't believe me, if all of this sounds like something I made up to give you the excuse for a good story, be ashamed. Fie upon those who doubt Phil, Vanquisher of the Bus! And just to prove my own virtue, I will let you in to a little secret: I have been privileged enough to actually ride the No. 5 bus once. It took me to the opposite side of the city than that which I intended, but I felt honored simply to have boarded its sacred insides.
Till later then, see how many buses you can vanquish.
Phil.